The Hardest Thing
by BunjyGuM-Boy
Summary: How hard could it be to profess your love... given you're a killer? Have a warm day!


HARDEST THING….  
  
~BunjyGuM_Boy~  
  
  
  
Alright, kiddies…. Well… since I'm going to school tomorrow, I want to dedicate this song-fic to my ever dearest husband. Yah… in my dreams only… Hisoka-san… my love. Hehehehe!!!!! W0W!!!! Terrific!!!  
  
It's really not a song-fic… well…sort of… Hisoka and Machi say the lines from the song… not a song then the lines sort of fic… okay? got me… no? well then, try to understand this… It's a HisokaXMachi fic… I hate the pairing but there's no one else…. So read THEN REVIEW!  
  
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"It's the hardest thing I ever have to do…  
  
to turn around and walk away,  
  
pretending I don't love you…."  
  
Hardest Thing ~ 98 ' degrees ~  
  
  
  
"Let the show begin!!!"  
  
I remember it well… like it was only yesterday. Heck! What am I saying? It was yesterday! I challenged the great Dancho to step forward and fight like a man… yet, he reluctantly told me that he was under Kurapica's nen chains… bastard! Like I care if I kill him there and then. But no… because what I wanted was to fight with him… kill him with my grasp and take that stupid book from him.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Because what I want…. I always get."  
  
  
  
___*~*___  
  
It has been 24 hours and counting since Hisoka left the Ginei Ryodan. He showed no trace on where to find him… no statement if he's coming back. The only one who knows was Pakunoda, yet she already erased her state of being too. But no… I also know where my interest went to… he told me… he asked. But I was too much of a coward to answer! And know… he's gone… but where to? Where's Hisoka?  
  
  
  
"Where's Dancho?"  
  
Huh? That's right. Our leader is totally missing. Thank goodness Phinx's is there to remind. Like, duh-uh!!! As if it isn't obvious enough. All we know was… right. Everything. We know every single thing about this whole altercation! Thanks to Paku's nen… she gave her life for the team… like Dancho said,  
  
  
  
"Even if the head of a Spider is cut-off… it's body must go on… as long… as far as it can"  
  
  
  
  
  
Accurately… the body must go on… so where is he? Where's Hisoka? Where's My Hisoka?  
  
  
  
___*~*___  
  
I can't keep on walking like this… I'm thirsty, everyone's staring… of course they should! They should marvel at my shirtless body.  
  
  
  
"Idiot… you clown!!"  
  
  
  
Hihihihihi… how I'd give it all to hear Machi say that again… in my face… while I smirk upon her blushing cheeks. Too late…. So damn late for all those now. I said it. I gave my word! I can't possibly turn back now and give her what she always wanted…. My love.  
  
  
  
@_____________@  
  
  
  
Hisoka closed his eyes upon entering the hotel room he stays in. He sat down on a nearby chair and laid his head back down…  
  
"Machi…"  
  
Upon opening his golden eyes, he saw a memorable object… a ribbon. Machi's ribbon. He knew exactly how it ended up there. It was given by the woman to her when a very deadly mission was facing them. They had to split-up and go for it. Kuroro said that they might not comeback… so there! Machi gave it to him…  
  
"Hahaha! For safe-keeping my ass! She deliberately gave it to me… for me… only for me."  
  
@_____________@  
  
  
  
___*~*___  
  
"We both know that I shouldn't be here…  
  
this is wrong…  
  
and baby it's killing me.. it's killing you!  
  
The both of us trying to be strong."  
  
  
  
It all started from that… I gave Hisoka my ribbon. The most precious one I have. I told him that it's for safe-keeping. But since we're both Henka nen users, he knows that I lied.  
  
HA! At least we got out all at the same time… it made me feel pain that he was the only member that was badly injured. I had to keep my feelings uptight. If not, everyone will notice… he will notice.  
  
  
  
"I love you, Hisoka."  
  
It was the only thing I could say before he passed out. I hoped no one heard me… Ubogin had to carry him to the headquarters.  
  
  
  
I freaked! I really did freak. Seeing someone who was painless as he was to pass out was tormenting me. I pass-by his room in that hotel often… checking on him.  
  
___*~*___  
  
They might not have heard her but I did. Even from her face, when she visits me, I knew how her pain was all for love.  
  
  
  
"Hisoka… Dancho has another mission. We need you to be 'fixed' by then."  
  
Haha! I always smile by how her lying seems so shallow for me. 'Fixed…' what the hell is that term? Ha! I if I know better, she just wanted to check-up on me… and the ribbon, of course.  
  
But, I just can't do it. It's too ambiguous for the both of us! Our future… my future.  
  
If I count her in, her dreams will crumble down like that stupid headquarters we have. I don't want her to feel pain anymore. Especially pain because of me! It doesn't suit her mocking face to change into a cruel one just for me.  
  
  
  
"Machi… I'm sorry."  
  
  
  
___*~*___  
  
  
  
So, that was it. After all those years that we were adapting to each other, he tells me… he can't. It was hard for me; I know he knew that. That's why it was harder for him.  
  
  
  
I remember… adeptly. How it went… but I never knew he'll go away.. run away like the coward he was!!! Just that…  
  
  
  
"Machi, I don't want to hurt you anymore."  
  
"Hisoka no baka?! What are you talking about?"  
  
"I've got somewhere else to be… promises to keep."  
  
"Hi-Hisoka? Na-nani?"  
  
"Machi… you can't tell me that you don't like me… it shows."  
  
"Hisoka, I don't like you. I love you."  
  
"And I do as well. But, but… you deserve better man."  
  
"No! what are you? Are you telling me…" cries  
  
"You don't deserve me. Besides, I've made up my mind."  
  
  
  
Hisoka slowly turned around…  
  
"Hisoka! Don't…don't do this! I don't care if you made up yo-"  
  
"Machi… *looks her through the eyes* I don't love you."  
  
  
  
Shattered… I felt so shattered. He-he looked me through my eyes and told me he didn't love me. Then… then he just turned around and walked away…  
  
  
  
___*~*___  
  
It was the hardest thing I had to do. I tried my best to lie about it.  
  
~"I don't love you… I don't love you…"~  
  
I don't believe it! It was hard to say it… to look her in the eye and pretend that I don't love her. I was weak… very weak.  
  
  
  
"Machi… we just can't be together like this."  
  
I feel it's true. She doesn't deserve a clown like me… she needs someone more open. Hn. Maybe I am a irresolute person.  
  
  
  
"Machi… I love you… … we can never be." tears  
  
  
  
___*~*___  
  
  
  
"Machi!"  
  
Huh? Ow… Shal!  
  
"Shalnaaq?"  
  
"A letter… a letter came for you." smile  
  
"Hm… thanks." forced smile  
  
  
  
Ha… a stupid letter. From who? I dunno… I can hear the topic from my back… where's Hisoka now? You think he has the Dancho? Maybe he's dead…  
  
  
  
I closed my eyes after that… I can't take it anymore… I don't want to hear from him… his name…his memories… his- ah… speak of the the demented devil… it's from him.  
  
  
  
I feel very bitter… I don't want to read it. I don't want you… I don't need you anymore!!!  
  
  
  
"Machi-san… are you alright?"  
  
"Ha?! Ow.. Shizuku… yes."  
  
smilesmile  
  
  
  
Ha! In the first place, I knew that it wasn't worth it… so, what have I got to loose? I lost him… our leader… I'll be loosing my life too.  
  
I slowly opened the message… it…it was un-Hisokaish… you might think that it came from a secret admirer…  
  
  
  
"Machi,  
  
  
  
I know that you might not even read this but I'm just hoping you would. It's very hard for me to understand everything… and harder for you to comply with me. It's been long since I've felt love, Machi, and you know that. I'm not used to it. But I know how it feels.  
  
  
  
That's why I chose to let go. Instead of you, doing this. I can't provide what you want, Machi. I need to be a better man for you. And dammit! I am scared to include you in my shattering dreams. I don't want you to get hurt anymore…  
  
  
  
I know that we'll meet again. Well, as they say… faith has it's place in time. Now, at least you can go on with your life… and it means that I have to be cold… for all to be kind.  
  
  
  
  
  
"If there was something hard I have to do… the hardest thing would be to say that I don't love you."  
  
  
  
  
  
~OwArI~  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Yah like it? Huh? Huh? Did yah?!!!  
  
  
  
Eheheh… okay, I'm being a brat now… but, wait! I would like to explain something… if you don't get the switching of narrators part, it would be hisoka…then machi… then hisoka… get it? The ones which have the ("") part are some things they said during their flashbacks… well… for hisoka, those "I love you machi…" and the "machi" thinggies are being said in present condition!!!  
  
  
  
Okay!!! please, it will be an honor if you review…. One-shot fic for one shot lovers!!!  
  
Machi: excuse me?!!!! I don't like this!!!!  
  
Hisoka: me too…. -__- ()  
  
Bunjy: Fine!!! But I'm the author!!! So I like it!!! Dweebs!!! 


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